Ellen Degeneres to Kathy Lee Gifford
Ellen Degeneres to Kathy Lee Gifford: Can I be "Frank" with you?
You get when you cross
What do you get when you cross an unemployed hen with Ellen Degeneres?
A couple of chicks that don't do dick.
Number one thing not to say to your mother
Number one thing not to say to your mother on Mother's day.
Funny you should mention that 'Ellen' episode, there is
something I have been meaning to tell you.
Will Rogers and Ellen Degeneres
Q: What's the difference between Will Rogers and Ellen Degeneres?
A: Will Rogers never met a man he DIDN'T like.
Elevator in a Hollywood office building
I'm waiting for the elevator in a Hollywood office building. The elevator doors open and there stands Ellen and a beautiful woman. I ask, "Going down?" Ellen replies, "No, we were just talking."
Ellen Degeneres say to Kathy Lee Gifford
Q: What did Ellen Degeneres say to Kathy Lee Gifford?
A: Can I be "Frank" with you?
Brett Butler and Ellen DeGeneres
Now that the sitcoms of Brett Butler and Ellen DeGeneres have both been cancelled by ABC, the two stars are going to team up on a new sitcom. The name of the show...Grace Under Ellen!
Ellen Degeneres' Christmas Special
Q: Did you hear about the Ellen Degeneres' Christmas Special?
A: She was planning to do a few Carols...
The Top 15 Surprises on the Special Episode of "Ellen"
15. Episode pre-empted in Birmingham, Alabama, for weekly showing of Deliverance.
14. Ellen's not gay at all! He's just a lonely guy who wanted to get in the sack with Laura Dern.
13. Unable to "fight biology," Ellen quits the book store to become a gym teacher.
12. In surprise ending, Laura Dern is devoured by jealous female Tyrannosaurus Rex.
11. Ralph Reed guests as a recruiter from The Citadel.
10. "Coming up next... a *VERY* special "Blossom."
9. Ellen makes an impassioned plea for recognizing homosexuals as normal people, then, to prove her point, she goes berserk and Uzi's a Wendy's.
8. Ellen's not only a lesbian -- she's also the Lesbian Club president.
7. The name of the show is changed to "Hot Girl-Girl Action!"
6. Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson get into a fistfight over who gets to throw the first stone.
5. Special cameo appearance by Jerry Mathers as The Beaver.
4. Daisy Duck admits to a shocked Michael Eisner that she's never REALLY been attracted to Donald.
3. OMIGOD! Ellen's GAY?!?!? Why hasn't this been in the news??
2. New, openly gay Ellen can *STILL* date Michael Jackson.
1. Entire episode sponsored by Duracell and Snap-On Tools.
Computer's Viruses
Ellen Degeneres virus.....Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC
Monica Lewinsky virus.....Sucks all the memory out of your computer
Titanic virus.....Makes your whole computer go down
Disney virus.....Everything in the computer goes Goofy
Mike Tyson virus.....Quits after one byte
Lorena Bobbit virus.....Turns your hard disk into a 3.5-inch floppy
Tim Allen virus.....Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive
Woody Allen virus.....Bypasses the motherboard and turns on daughter card
Saddam Hussein virus.....Won't let you into any of your programs
Tonya Harding virus.....Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons
Joey Buttafuoco virus.....Only attacks minor files
X-files virus.....All your Icons start shape-shifting
Ronald Reagan virus.....Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored
Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus.....Deletes your old files
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