Captured Martha Stewart
"Yes! We finally captured Martha Stewart. You know, with all the massive and almost completely unpunished fraud perpetrated on the public by companies like Enron, Global Crossing, and Tyco we finally got the ring leader. Maybe now we can lower the nation's terror alert to periwinkle." - Jon Stewart
"Martha Stewart showed up at Manhattan FBI Headquarters to have her finger prints taken and pose for a mug shot. Then Martha explained how to get ink off your fingers using seltzer water and lemon juice." - Conan O'Brien
"Federal authorities have informed Martha Stewart's lawyers she will be indicted for her role in the ImClone insider trading scandal. Good news for Martha - stripes are back in this year." - Craig Kilborn
"Earlier today Martha Stewart issued a statement saying 'I am innocent and will fight to clear my name.' Yeah, Martha then said 'I look forward to the day when people stop thinking I am guilty and get back to thinking I am cold and arrogant.'" - Conan O'Brien
"The corporate scandals are getting bigger and bigger. In a speech on Wall Street, President Bush spoke out on corporate responsibility, and he warned executives not to cook the books. Afterwards, Martha Stewart said the correct term was to saute the books." - Conan O'Brien
"Martha Stewart denied allegations that she had been given inside information to sell 4,000 shares of a stock in a biotech firm about to go under. Stewart then showed her audience how to make a festive, quick-burning yule log out of freshly-shredded financial documents." - Dennis Miller
"In New York the other day, there was a pro-Martha Stewart rally. Only four people showed up ... and three of them were made out of crepe paper!" - Conan O'Brien
"When reached for comment on the charges, Martha didn't say much, (only) that a subpoena should be served with a nice appetizer." - Conan O'Brien
"Martha Stewart had an interesting show this morning – she showed how to make bail. Did you see that?" - Jay Leno
"NBC is making a movie about Martha Stewart that will cover the recent stock scandal. They are thinking of calling it 'The Road To Extradition.'" - Conan O'Brien
"Things are not looking good for Martha Stewart. Her stock was down 23 percent yesterday. Wow, that dropped quicker than Dick Cheney after a double-cheeseburger." - Jay Leno
"I heard this rumor that al Qaeda is merging with Hamas. Yeah, I got that tip from Martha Stewart." - David Letterman
"Tom Ridge announced a new color-coded alarm system. ... Green means everything's okay. Red means we're in extreme danger. And champagne-fuschia means we're being attacked by Martha Stewart." - Conan O'Brien
Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced he will refuse his $175,000 salary
Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced he will refuse his $175,000 salary and will work for free. I believe he will be worth every penny." - Craig Kilborn
"Arnold Schwarzenegger was sworn in as the Governor of California. He put one hand in the air, the other hand on the Bible, which is a good start - at least we know where his hands are now." - Jay Leno
"Today was Arnold Schwarzenegger's inauguration as Governor of California. Arnold was told to 'Raise your right hand and butcher the English language after me.'" - Craig Kilborn
"There was one tricky moment - to get Arnold to put his hand on the Bible, they stuck it in Paris Hilton's bra." - Craig Kilborn
"Arnold Schwarzenegger was sworn in as governor yesterday in the mystical land of the west known as Kali-forn-ia. Celebrities attended the event, including national anthem singer Vanessa Williams. But the moment everyone was waiting for was the swearing in. The Bible used for the swearing in ceremony was 200 years old and belonged to his in-laws, the Kennedys. That may explain why the Leviticus chapter is interspersed with the phone numbers of Rockettes." - Jon Stewart
"Earlier today in California Arnold Schwarzenegger was sworn in as Governor. After being sworn in, Arnold wasted no time and got right down to groping." - David Letterman
"Immediately after Arnold was sworn in, Gloria Alred jumped in: "While you have your hand on the Bible, I’d like to ask you a few questions." - Jay Leno
"More problems for Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger. California Attorney General Bill Locklear has suggested a special toll free number be set up for women to call in allegations about Arnold's past. I have a better idea - why not make it a 900 number and charge $1.99 a minute. We'll pay off that $33 billion dollars right there." - Jay Leno
"As you know Arnold is investigating himself. He will subpoena both of his hands, and if he finds any evidence of wrongdoing he is going to sue himself." - Jay Leno
"In Washington, Arnold Schwarzenegger met with Vice President Dick Cheney. So, the Terminator met the Defibrillator. The difference between Schwarzenegger and Cheney is that when Cheney grabs a chest, it's his own." - Jay Leno
Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger is in Washington D.C. today
"Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger is in Washington D.C. today. He and Ted Kennedy went to lunch. Your state's on fire and what do you do? A three-martini lunch with Ted Kennedy." - David Letterman
"Bush joked last week during his meeting with Schwarzenegger that they are both sometimes accused of misspeaking the language. Mr. President, he's from a foreign country." - Jon Stewart
"On Thursday in California, President Bush met privately with Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger. What did the pair talk about? Neither is sure." - Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. It's amazing if you think about it. It was the Terminator and the One-Terminator." - David Letterman
"Arnold Schwarzenegger will probably be the keynote speaker at the Republican National Convention, which is very smart, because after Schwarzenegger speaks, Bush's English won't sound so bad." - Jay Leno
"Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he is going to ask President Bush for help with the budget. What better way to deal with a $38 billion deficit than get advice from a guy that created a $450 billion deficit." - Jay Leno
"In his first news conference after being elected governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger promised to clean house in Sacramento. He also threatened to molest the energy crisis, and date rape the deficit." - Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"Time was, our leaders were all veterans of World War II, the Korean conflict or even the struggle for civil rights. But now, with the election of Jesse Ventura in Minnesota and Arnold Schwarzenegger in California, it is clear that the next generation of political leaders will all come from the movie 'Predator.'" - Stephen Colbert, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
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