Finch: God bless the Internet.
Steve Stifler: She called me and asked for my number.
Steve Stifler: I say, why don't you guys locate your dicks, remove the shrink wrap, and fucking *use* them!
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Suck me beautiful.
College Girl: What did you just say?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Suck me beautiful!
[girl laughs]
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Friends call me Nova as in Casanova.
College Girl: That's pathetic!
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Jeez you don't have to laugh at me.
Jim: I would like to make an announcement. There is a beautiful woman masturbating on my bed.
Jim: You realize we're all going to go to college as virgins. They probably have special dorms for people like us.
Steve Stifler: What did you cocks do to him?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: You came to see me in action?
Jim: Yeah man, I thought you sounded really good!
Steve Stifler: Yeah man, I think you need your balls reattached!
Victoria 'Vicky': I want it to be the right time, the right place...
Jessica: It's not a space shuttle launch, it's SEX.
Jim: Guys, uh, what exactly does third base feel like?
Kevin: You want to take this one?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Like warm apple pie.
Jim: Yeah?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yeah.
Jim: Apple pie, huh?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Uh huh.
Jim: McDonald's or homemade?
Jim's Dad: I have to admit, you know, I did the fair bit of
[hesitates]
Jim's Dad: masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it stroking the salami, yeah, you know, pounding the old pud.
[pause]
Jim's Dad: I never did it with baked goods, but you know your uncle Mort, he pets the one-eyed snake 5-6 times a day.
[On being sensitive]
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: You ask them questions, and listen to what they have to say and shit.
Steve Stifler: I dunno, man, that sounds like a lot of work.
Jim: She's gone! Oh my God, she used me. I was used. I was used! Cool!
Kevin: Separately we are flawed and vulnerable, but together we are the masters of our sexual destiny.
Jim: [imitating dubbed martial-arts dialogue] Their tiger-style kung fu is strong, but our dragon-style kung fu will defeat it!
Kevin: Guys...
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: The Shaolin masters of East and West must unite! Fight! And find out who is number one!
Kevin: GUYS! I'm serious!
Stifler's Mom: I got some scotch.
Finch: Single malt?
Stifler's Mom: Aged eighteen years. The way I like it.
Michelle: What's my name? Say my name, bitch!
Jim: Michelle! Michelle.
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