Otho: Don't mind her. She's still upset because somebody dropped a house on her sister.
Otho: Ugh. Deliver me from L.L. Bean.
Charles: And look at that kitchen. You're finally going to be able to cook a decent meal.
[Evaluating her new home]
Delia: A little gasoline... blowtorch... no problem.
Adam: Barb, honey... we're dead. I don't think we have very much to worry about anymore.
Barbara: We're very unhappy.
Juno: What did you expect? You're dead.
[Adam and Barbara struggle to understand the HANDBOOK FOR THE RECENTLY DECEASED]
Barbara: Just... can you give me the basics?
Adam: Well, this book isn't arranged that way. What do you want to know?
Barbara: Well... why did you disappear when you stepped off the porch? Are we halfway to heaven? Are we halfway to hell...? How long is this gonna last?
Adam: I don't see anything about heaven OR hell. This book reads like stereo instructions. Listen to this: "Geographical and temporal perimeters. Functional perimeters vary from manifestation to manifestation.
[Snaps book shut]
Adam: Oh, this is gonna take some time, honey.
Adam: We're not completely helpless, Barbara. I've been reading that book and there's a word for people in our situation: ghosts.
[On Adam's and Barbara's attempts to haunt their old house]
Juno: I heard. Tore your faces right off. It obviously doesn't do any good to pull your heads off in front of people if they can't see you.
[On the new house]
Lydia: Delia hates it.
[sees a HUGE spider on a web]
Lydia: I could live here.
Betelgeuse: Go ahead... make my millenium.
Betelgeuse: Let's turn on the juice and see what shakes loose.
Adam: What are your qualifications?
Betelgeuse: Ah. Well... I attended Juilliard... I'm a graduate of the Harvard business school. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. I've seen the EXORCIST ABOUT A HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SEVEN TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT... NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY... NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK? You think I'm qualified?
[Why he can't tell Lydia his name]
Betelgeuse: Because if I tell you, you tell your friends... your friends are callin' me on the horn all the time... and I gotta show up at shopping centers for openings and sign autographs and shit like that and it makes my life a HELL. OK? A living HELL.
[In the afterlife waiting room]
Clerk: Number fifty-four million six hundred and one... Ferndoch.
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