Bruce: B-E-A-utiful. Come on, let's go back inside and have a shit.
[on Buffalo's biggest cookie]
Bruce: We have a new record. Cue the cheesy inspirational music.
Bruce: Behind every great man... is a woman rolling her eyes
Bruce: Thank you Susan! Bruce Nolan here aboard the Maid of the Mist at Niagara falls.
Grace: Thank you, God.
Jack: Thank God.
Bruce: First off, I want to add another congratulations to Evan Baxter. It's good to see what someone with real talent can accomplish when great opportunities are given to him instead of me. Anyway, I'm here, I believe with Katherine Hepburn's mom. Tell me, why did you toss the blue "heart of the ocean" jewel over the railing of Titanic? Did you feel guilty at all letting Leonardo Decaprio freeze, while you were safe floating on the big door? Do you think he would have survived if you had taken turns, or were you too afraid to freeze your big fat ass off?
Jack: Did I just hear...?
Bruce: Well, I guess that's the way life works, isn't it? Some people are drenched, freezing to death, on a stupid boat, with a stupid umbrella...
[throws off umbrella hat]
Bruce: While others who aren't fit to kiss my willy, are sitting in a nice, comfy news room, sucking up all the glory!
Grace: This isn't happening. This isn't happening...
Bruce: Now, let's speak to the owner. Come on in here Bill. Bill, you've been running the Maid of the Mist for 23 years. Tell me, why do you think I didn't get the anchor job?
Bill: Hey, man I don't want any...
Bruce: Is it my hair?
[messes his hair]
Bruce: My teeth are not white enough? Or, like the great falls, is the very bedrock of my Life eroding beneath me? ERODING, EEEERODING, EEEEEERODDDING.
Jack: All right, cut the feed! Cut to black if you have to.
Control Booth Operator: I'm on it.
Bruce: I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News. Back to you, fuckers!
God: Grace. You want her back?
Bruce: No. I want her to be happy, no matter what that means. I want her to find someone who will treat her with all the love she deserved from me. I want her to meet someone who will see her always as I do now, through Your eyes.
God: Now THAT'S a prayer.
Bruce: Love me. Love me.
Grace: ...I did.
God: Allllllrighty then.
Grace: I've never seen the moon that big.
Bruce: We really shouldn't waste it.
God: You can't kneel in the middle of a highway and live to tell the tale.
[Referring to the seven fingers on Bruce's right hand]
God: I pulled that one on Gandhi, he didn't eat for three weeks.
Grace: Oh, God.
Bruce: You can call me Bruce.
God: No, this is Mount Everest. You really should turn on the Discovery Channel every now and then.
Bruce: I am Bruce Almighty. My will be done.
Bruce: And now back to Evan Backstabber, pardon me, Bastard, Baxter, rather.
Bruce: Feed the hungry, and give peace on all mankind. Is that good?
God: Yes... If you're Miss America.
|
