God: You have the ability to make people laugh. I know, I created you.
Bruce: Quit bragging.
God: Since when do people have a clue what they want?
God: People want me to do everything for them. What they don't realize is that they have the power. You want to see a miracle? Be the miracle.
Bruce: Would it help if I said I was being a complete ass?
Kid: Hey. You said "ass".
Bruce: Yeah, but it's ok if I'm talkin' about a donkey.
Bruce and God: It's GOOD.
Bruce: Sometimes anticipation can heighten the... pleasure
[Growls]
Grace: Oh!
Bruce: It's a funny thing about pleasure.
Grace: Wow.
Bruce: It can be quite...
[yells]
Bruce: PLEASURABLE!
Grace: [Bruce's mind control sexually arouses Grace; Grace falls to the toilet seat; chuckles] Oh, my God. Ooh.
Bruce: [Mind controlling arousing continutes] Pleasurable, pleasurable, pleasurable...
Grace: Oh, God!
[Moaning]
Grace: Oh, Good God!
[at the bakery, Vol is picking his nose ]
Bruce: It's a good thing I'm wearing this
[tugs at hair net]
Bruce: because I wouldn't want any stray hairs falling into the booger!
Bruce: Smite me, oh mighty Smiter.
Announcer: Welcome to Eyewitness News at Six, with Susan Ortega, Evan Baxter, Fred Donahue Sports, Dallas Coleman Weather. And now, Buffalo's Number One News Team.
Susan Ortega: Good Evening and welcome to Eyewitness News at Six. I'm Susan Ortega.
Evan Baxter: And I'm Evan Baxter and here's what's making news. A potential scandal with the Buffalo P.D. surfaced today when the mayor d-bow debit
[choked off]
Evan Baxter: [high pitched] D-bow d-bit d-bow
[unintelligible chicken squawking]
Evan Baxter: Bucka-bow, dee buck.
Director: Someone get him some water please.
Susan Ortega: Looks like my new co-anchor may need a glass of water.
Evan Baxter: [clears throat] Oh, there we go. Sorry about that. In other news the Prime Minister of Sweden visited Washington today and my tiny little nipples went to France.
Director: What'd he just say? Check the prompter.
Technician: The prompter's fine.
Director: Evan, READ THE COPY. Please. The copy's good. Just read it.
Evan Baxter: The White House reception committee greeted the Prime Ribroast Minister and... I do the cha-cha like a sissy girl. I lik-a do da cha-cha. I'm sorry we seem to be having some technical difficulties. In other news
[breaks wind]
Evan Baxter: Ohhhh. My apologies. Bulla blah, bulla blabity bulla bla
[rapid unitelligible gibberish]
Evan Baxter: Blabity blab bulla blah
[explosive gibberish]
Evan Baxter: [continues for 35 seconds]
[vaguely Chinese]
Evan Baxter: Kaa kaa poo poo. PEE PEE
[nervous laugh]
Bruce: Is it my hair Bill? My teeth not white enough? Or, like the great falls, is the very bedrock of my LIFE ERODING BENEATH ME? ERODING, EEEERODING.
[last "line" in the film]
Homeless Man: [holding up a sign] "ARMAGEDON OUTA HERE"
[as Bruce arrives late to work]
Homeless Man: [holding up a sign] "R EWE BLIND"
[after gang beats up Bruce]
Homeless Man: [holding up a sign] "LIFE IS JUST"
Bruce: God is just a mean kid with a magnifying glass. And I'm the ant. He could fix my life in five minutes if He wanted to, but he'd rather burn off my feelers and watch me squirm.
[during the riot]
Homeless Man: [holding up a sign] "THY KINGDUMB COME"
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