Chip Douglas: You were never there for me were you mother? You expected Mike and Carol Brady to raise me! I'm the bastard son of Claire Huxtable! I am a Lost Cunningham! I learned the facts of life from watching The Facts of Life! Oh God!
Chip Douglas: You might recognize this song as performed by Jefferson Airplane, in a little rockumentary called "Gimme Shelter," about the Rolling Stones and their nightmare at Altamont. That night the Oakland chapter of the Hell's Angels had their way. Tonight, it's my turn.
Rick: Look, Chip Douglas, I don't know what your story is, but I'm going to find out!
Chip Douglas: Well, don't dig to deep or you might get burnt by the molten lava!
Steven: You're right. That's incredibly insightful.
Chip Douglas: I know. It was Jerry Springer's final thought on Friday's show.
Chip Douglas: This concludes our broadcast day. Click.
Steven: I have this friend and he gave his cable guy $50 and then he got all the movie channels for free. You ever hear of anything like that?
Chip Douglas: [Walks slowly towards Steven] You mean illegal cable?
Steven: Um... Yeah.
Chip Douglas: Who told you that? What is his name? I want it?
Steven: Just forget it.
Chip Douglas: You're offering me a bribe. What you have just done is illegal and in this state, if convicted, you could be fined up to $5,000 or spend six months in a correction facility!
Steven: No, please, that was dumb. I was just making conversation. Forget it.
Chip Douglas: [Bursts out laughing] I'm just jerking your chain! Ha ha ha. The look on your face! Ha ha, you are too easy!
[Laughs harder]
Chip Douglas: Wake up, little snoozy. Smell the smelling salts? Ha ha ha. I'll juice ya up.
Chip Douglas: Wow, the old McNair place. Never thought they'd get the floors clean after what happened.
Steven Kovacs: Why? What happened?
Chip Douglas: They had a lot of cats.
Chip Douglas: Come on Stevie, time to leavey, It's the fun bus man!
Chip Douglas: Hey Steve I'm on a pay phone, so if you're there pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, well OK, call me back.
Chip Douglas: Free cable is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
Chip Douglas: Dry land is not a myth. I've seen it. Kevin Costner. Waterworld. I don't know what the big fuss is about. I saw that movie nine times. It rules!
Steven: Can I get a knife or fork?
Wench: There were no utensils in medieval times, hence there are no utensils AT Medieval Times. Would you like a refill on that Pepsi?
Steven: There were no utensils but there was Pepsi?
Wench: Dude, I got a lot of tables.
Chip Douglas: I'll juice ya up.
Chip Douglas: Come back here, so that I may brain thee!
Chip Douglas: He who hesitates, masturbates.
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