Myron Larabee: They sit there and use subliminal messages to suck your children's' minds out! And I know what I'm talking about because I went to junior college for a semester and I studied psychology so I'm right in there, I know what's going on. They make the kids feel like garbage and you, the father, who's working 24/7 delivering mail so you can make an alimony payment to a woman that slept with everybody at the post office, but me! And then when you get the toy, it breaks and you can't fix it because it's little cheap plastic!
Ted Maltin: Howard, I'm of the mind set you can never do too much to make a child's Christmas magical.
Tony the Elf: It's the Grinch! Scatter!
Myron Larabee: We get one day a year to prove we're not screw-ups and what do we do? We screw it up.
Santa at Door: Password.
Mall Santa: Jingle Bells, Batman smells.
Howard Langston: I'm not a pervert! I was just looking for a Turbo Man doll!
Ted: Howard. They say it might get icy later. You might wanna wrap some chains around those tires.
Howard Langston: Maybe I should wrap some chains around you.
Ted: What?
Myron Larabee: I work for the post office so you know I'm not stable! Tell 'em!
Howard Langston: This man is totally insane.
Myron Larabee: Thank you!
Mall Santa: Hey, Pal, you want a Turbo Man for Christmas?
Howard Langston: Forget it, I'm not gonna sit on your lap.
Mall Santa: Hey, Chief, that's not my bag... Get it?
Howard Langston: Ted what the hell are you doing on my roof?
[Howard is trying to reach his wife on the phone, but Ted is over and answers]
Howard Langston: Can I talk to my wife?
Ted: I think she is in the shower Howard, do you want me to check?
Howard Langston: NO!
Howard Langston: You guys are nothing but a bunch of sleazy conmen in red suits.
Mall Santa: What did you call us?
Howard Langston: You heard me right. Conmen. Thieves. Degenerates. Low-lifes. Thugs. Criminals!
Mall Santa: At the North Pole them are fighting words, Partner.
Myron Larabee: I'll know if you move 'cause I have the ears of a snake!
Myron Larabee: Ta-ta, Turtleman!
Howard Langston: Jamie, let me talk to your mother.
Jamie Langston: She's next door pettin' Ted.
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