Samantha: What happened?
Mitch: I saved your ass. It was great.
Mitch: The last time I got blown, candy bars cost a nickel.
[showing his knife to a woman and her kids]
Timothy: You're about to have 2.4 children.
Mitch Henessey: [singing] Putting the keys in my left pocket. Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm. Gun in the right-hand side.
Samantha Caine: It makes a bulge, people can see.
Mitch Henessey: Ya want me to stick it in my pants and shoot my damn dick off?
Samantha Caine: Now you're a sharpshooter?
Charlie: ...It ain't over. You're going to die screaming... and I'm going to watch. Am I telling the truth?
Caitlin, Caine: Mommy, am I gonna die?
Charlie: Oh, no, baby, no. You're not going to die. They are. Cover your ears. Hey, should we get a dog?
Mitch: So, you cold?
Charlie: Yeah. Freezing.
Mitch: Turn on the heat. It doesn't work, but it makes a very annoying noise - distracts from the cold.
Charlie: I'm leaving the country, Mitch. I need a fake passport and I need money, lots of it.
Mitch: Well why didn't you say so? Hold on a minute while I pull that outta my ass.
Charlie: I let you touch me, cowboy. I think I need a bath.
Charlie: You couldn't hit a lake if you're standing on the bottom.
Charlie: Life is pain. Get used to it.
Hal: I don't smoke, I don't drink and I don't swear. Oh shit. I DO smoke and drink.
Mitch Henessey: What I'm saying is, back when we first met, you were all like "Oh phooey, I burned the darn muffins." Now, you go into a bar, ten minutes later, sailors come runnin' out. What up with that?
Charlie: They're gonna blow my head off, you know. This is the last time I'll ever be pretty.
Mitch Henessey: I never did one thing right in my life, you know that? Not one. That takes skill.
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