Crazy Eyes: I watch the stock market channel all the time - I just watch because I suspect that anchor man of being an evil leprechaun... he can bullshit everybody else, but he ain't fooling me.
Emilio: How can I ever pay you back, Deeds?
Longfellow Deeds: All I want is you're friendship, man.
Emilio: How about a billion dollars?
Longfellow Deeds: Ok, that's fine too.
[Longfellow Deeds is showing Emilio his frostbitten foot]
Emilio: The hideousness of that foot will haunt my dreams forever.
Longfellow Deeds: Oh, yeah. I've heard that before
[Anderson raises his hand after Chuck Cedar asks if anyone knows a doctor that just faxed them]
Chuck Cedar: Congratulations, you have a spastic colon.
Cecil Anderson: That would explain a lot.
Longfellow Deeds: What are you in for?
Crazy Eyes: I bit the mailman.
[waves hand around]
Crazy Eyes: He was doing some sort of wizard magic on me.
Longfellow Deeds: You sure about that?
Crazy Eyes: [still waving hand] Not exactly, he might have been waving.
Longfellow Deeds: Hey Crazy Eyes, I got your pizza just how you like it.
Crazy Eyes: French Fries and Oreos you know me too well Deeds.
John McEnroe: I like the way you beat up those guys who were making fun of you. It was pretty cool.
Longfellow Deeds: Yeah I bet you know what it's like to get all riled up Johnny Mac.
John McEnroe: That I do.
Crazy Eyes: Time heals all things... except these crazy eyes.
[In burning building]
Cat Lady: I'm not leaving without my cats.
Longfellow Deeds: How many cats do you have?
Cat Lady: Seven.
Longfellow Deeds: Holy shit. Lets get cracking.
Babe, aka "Pam Dawson": Oh, you have got to be shittin' me.
Longfellow Deeds: Whoa... that's the first time I've heard you curse.
Babe: I'm that excited.
Babe: I'm Pam Dawson, virgin school nurse from Westchestertonfieldville, Iowa.
Mac McGrath: Yeah right. You a virgin.
Babe: And this is my brother Denny's room,
[opens a closet door]
Babe, aka "Pam Dawson": they didn't like my brother very much.
Rev. Al Sharpton: Now Brother Preston is soaring with eagles high above, because he lived a life of love. Yes he's flying way up high, because he was a supercool guy. He's gone away, too soon it seems, leaving behind his unfinished dreams. Yes we remember Preston Blake, a man with faith no man could shake. A strength no man could break. A character no man could fake. For goodness sake, let's eat some cake.
Funeral attendants: Amen
Longfellow Deeds: SO how is the elevator business treating you, Reuben?
Reuben the Elevator Operator: Oh, it has its ups and downs.
[They both start laughing]
[in the Pizza-Place, just after asking Jan if Deeds was there]
Cecil Anderson: Is Mrs. Deeds around?
Jan: Mrs. Deeds? I don't think that poor boy ever had a date.
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